Hello

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
uss-edsall
hiveswap

It IS true that being on here gives you a tumblr accent. This morning my mother asked me something and i replied "i don't know i've never heard these words in that order" and she nearly choked laughing. It wasn't even that funny

elliot-amy

at my old job i had a coworker who was tired and made a coffee with like 6 or 8 shots of espresso and i just casually went up to them like “are you trying to meet god?” and not only was this absolutely hilarious to them but they brought it up in future conversations they thought it was so funny but to me this was just as casual as saying “woah that’s a lot of coffee”

secondbeatsongs
secondbeatsongs

just received what I think is the funniest spam email I’ve gotten in years

buckle up

secondbeatsongs

image
image

help, I’m crying

secondbeatsongs

like, all the way from “I Hesitate to Send You This” to “YOUR NAME”, this is a work of comedy gold

who wrote this? can I talk to them? are they okay?

headspace-hotel

“It is similar to messages that were identified as spam in the past!”

WHICH

secondbeatsongs

this post was made before alt text was a thing on here, so I’m putting descriptions of these images below the cut so you can suffer with me:

Keep reading

the-haiku-bot
neuroticboyfriend

rough day today but i just had the following exchange with myself:

me: well i'm done eating my last meal of the day. now what do i do?
me: you rest. that's what animals do after they eat.
me, suddenly feeling a lot less worried about doing something Worth It for the rest of the night: ...oh.

the-haiku-bot

rough day today but

i just had the following

exchange with myself:

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

sleepsgoodbutbooksarebetter
homunculus-argument

At some point as a child you start picking up that sometimes grownups just pretend to be impressed and amazed by something you did in order to encourage you to do more of it. What they don't put together before being adults themselves is that the "holy shit you've grown" is not one of them. Like when you're a kid you've been growing all your life, so someone pointing out that you've done it again every time they see you seems weirdly redundant, like yeah duh no shit, I literally physically cannot stop doing that, why are you shocked every single time.

But from the perspective of an adult who has no kids, small kids are essentially just cute animals. That will slowly animorph into an actual human being. And it is 100% just as astonishingly wild and insane as that sounds. Imagine going to visit a friend you haven't seen for a while, and you hear something running to the door behind them and remember that they have a dog! That you haven't seen for a long while either! No it's okay no need to apologise, let me see the doggy!

HOLY SHIT IT HAS HANDS. SINCE WHEN HAS IT HAD HANDS?!

apathetic-catastrophie
gallusrostromegalus

I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.

It's right-handed

I am right-handed

There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly

I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.

There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.

I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.

A homo erectus made it

Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.

Who were you

A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?

Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?

Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?

Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?

Who were you?

What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?

What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.

Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?

Or has it always been divine?

Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?

Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.

The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.

Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?

I'm not religious.

But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine

I don't know what is.

the-haiku-bot
tlirsgender

Shouldn't have put the new year in the middle of winter cause then everyone expects you to get your shit together in january. Of all times

tlirsgender

"What's your new years resolution" Survive. Ask me again when I'm not vitamin d deficient

cereza-bat

This guy is gonna freak when he finds out about the southern hemisphere

tlirsgender

You might be surprised to learn that sometimes posts just aren't about you

the-haiku-bot

You might be surprised

to learn that sometimes posts just

aren’t about you

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

apathetic-catastrophie
cryptonature

image

Vultures are holy creatures.

Tending the dead.

Bowing low.

Bared head.

Whispers to cold flesh,

“Your old name is not your king.

I rename you ‘Everything.’”

charlesoberonn

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sunshine-tattoo

fun fact!

Vultures are also responsible for keeping diseases at bay.

Vulture stomach acid is so powerful that it can kill anthrax and many other deadly diseases.

So when they consume the carcass of a creature that has died of disease, they actually destroy the disease within it too!

So yes vultures are 100% holy creatures because they not only eat the dead, but protect the living from death.

teaboot
thepromiscuousfinger

Is it just me or are the new tumblr users convinced there's a penalty of some kind for using this site like it's meant to be used?

beardedmrbean

reblogs have always been in short supply for artists, sadly, but it's hitting the shitposts and even the cat pictures lately.

Gotta keep getting the word out that reblogs are good and keep people posting new material that will be passed around for the next 12 years

mornington-the-crescent

They’re used to other social media sites, where the only equivalent of reblogging is straight-up content theft; so the idea that you can put someone else’s stuff on your page and have it not be a bad thing is a strange experience for them.

They’re likely also used to an algorithm recommending content based on what they hit “like” on, so they probably think that that’s how this works, too.

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